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Emo!House and the Spawn That Wouldn't Die
Emo!House is back in all of his Vicodin-overdosing glory, but this time he's not alone. Meet Mary, House's three year old daughter. She thankfully doesn't talk much, but she's great at getting hit by trucks.
[Disasterpiece Theatre music plays. Foreman walks out with his pipe and smoking jacket]
Foreman: Good evening, and welcome to Disasterpiece Theatre. Now before we get started this evening, I wanted to take a moment to remind you of the excellent job our audience did in helping us raise money for the hospital. Thanks to your generous donations, children suffering from cancer now have a place to play. But we need your help again. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Dr. Chase [pulls Chase onstage]. You may remember when Wally the Wallaby suffered his tragic fall. Well, Dr. Chase was the man inside the costume, and now he needs your help. Because of an injury to his frontal cortex, Dr. Chase suffers from spells in which he believes himself to be a Canadian Mountie.
Chase: Corporal Chase, reporting for duty, eh? We always get our man!
Foreman: Yes, of course you do. As you can see, ladies and gentlemen, Chase is in dire need of rehabilitation and therapy. If you would like to help Chase, as well as save me from a lifetime of guilty bottom sex with a man who shouts ‘eh!’ at random, please send us your donations. As for our fic this week, we pick up were we left off last time. House had just attempted suicide via Vicodin overdose, and was visited by the ghostly spirit of his ex-girlfriend Stacy. So without further ado, let us begin.
The day that I was suppose to get out of the hospital a social worker came and saw me. She told me that you had left behind a daughter who was about three years old.
House: And seeing as how I was with Stacy five years ago, this alleged daughter is either part elephant or she cannot be mine.
I don’t know why or how but they found me fit to take care of our daughter.
Chase: Social Workers are generally okay with placing three year olds in the care of handicapped, drug-addicted fortysomethings who’ve recently attempted suicide, eh?
Foreman: [sighs, hands Chase a bottle] I think it’s time for you to take your pills, Chase.
Chase: [Swallows pill. A shudder wracks his body] Whoa. Was I just riding a horse through a parade?
It had been two days since the social worker had come to see House. He was just sitting in his office throwing his ball around when the same social worker came in with a little girl.
Wilson: House, put it away! There’s a child in the room!
“Mr. House I’d like you to meet your daughter Mary Elizabeth House,” the social worker said.
Cameron: But she prefers to be called Mary Sue.
Mary was about three feet tall with brown eyes and dirty blond hair.
House: Lending enormous veracity to the claim that she’s my daughter.
Chase: [whistles innocently]
“Hi,” House said getting up.
“I” Mary said.
Foreman: Self centered little brat, isn’t she?
“Mr. House
House: Doctor House!
if you do not feel fit to take care of her then we will be forced to find a home for her,” the social worker said handing the girl’s belongings over to him.
“No I think I can handle her,” House said taking the backpack.
House: I sometimes water my neighbors’ plants when they go on vacation. This is about the same, right?
“Very good. Good day sir,” the social worker said.
Chase: The social worker is Jeeves!
House: …Who?
Cameron: Well, it’s [Wilson covers her mouth] mmmphf!
Wilson: Shh! Don’t tell him! The universe could implode!
“Good day,” House said not looking up from the little girl.
“So you’re my daughter,” House said.
Instead of replying the little girl just stared at House.
Wilson: Sleep with one eye open, House.
Chase: [as Mary]: My mommy’s dead and this is the guy they find to take care of me? I’m three years old and already I’ve discovered the dark cruelty entombed within the human spirit.
House: Hey, maybe she is my daughter!
I thought that I could handle taking care of a little girl. It wasn’t the fact that she’d come wake me up in the middle of the night or the fact that she’d wake up screaming.
House: That problem was quickly solved with the help of a deadbolt and just a bit of duct tape.
I don’t know what it was but after two days I realized that I couldn’t do it anymore. So I asked Cameron and Chase to look after her.
House: I made it two whole days!?
Cameron: I’m impressed.
Wilson: Foreman wins the pool.
Foreman:[smirks]
Two days later while Cameron and Chase were still in the office House got up the nerve to ask them.
“Hey would you two mind keeping her for a couple of days?” House asked.
Cameron: Hey! Don’t dump your spawn on me!
Chase: Wait…we’re together in this?
Foreman: [snorts]
Cameron: Seriously- Chase with a woman?
Chase: But weren’t you dating Rob the ambulance driver earlier?
Cameron: I guess I traded up Robs
House: So to speak.
“Why?” Cameron asked.
“Because I need to get her room ready and I don’t want her to see it,” House said lying through his teeth.
House: I’m thinking of doing the whole room in black… she’s in mourning for her mother, you know.
“Ok sure,” Cameron said without even asking her boyfriend/roommate.
Wilson: Is boyfriend/roommate the same person?
Chase: You didn’t even ask me? How can we trust one another!?
Cameron: THIS RELATIONSHIP IS SMOTHERING ME!
Foreman: [tinyvoice] there’s a missing comma.
The good part for House or what Cameron thought was good was they only lived a couple of blocks from him.
Foreman: But Cameron was wrong. As it turns out, House’s apartment contained a porthole that led into the bowels of Hell. Out from it’s terrible depths, evil spewed in a ten mile radius.
House: I keep it behind the fridge.
“Thanks,” House said.
“Sure,” Cameron said.
“Mary you’re going to stay with these nice people for a couple of days,” House said.
House: Keep an eye on the blond one. If he tries to kiss you, tell daddy.
“Ok,” Mary said.
House did feel bad but he figured that it’d be for the best for her.
Wilson: Nothing like abandoning a child after the sudden death of both parents to promote emotional healing.
But it wasn’t for the best for her. Cameron caught on Sunday that I wasn’t really doing up a room for her.
House: I was just sitting around getting high on the paint fumes.
Two days later on Wednesday night I was sleeping when I heard a screeching of breaks. I didn’t think anything of it.
House: Hookers sometimes make screechy noises when you tie them up and shove them in the closet. I probably figured it was one of them.
I was just about ready to go back to sleep when the phone rang.
“Hello,” House said half asleep.
“House it’s Allison,” Allison said sounding upset.
“What do you want? It’s midnight,” House said looking at the clock by his bed.
“It’s Mary.”
Wilson: Mary quite contrary?
House: [rolls eyes] Gotta love that nineteenth century snark.
“What about her?” House asked sitting up in bed.
“S-Sh-She’s bbbeen hi-hit byy a trucker,” Allison said finally loosing it.
Cameron: [sobs] I- I told her not to approach strange men in redneck bars, but she just didn’t listen!
Foreman: What did you loosen?
Cameron: Chase’s bedpost restraints. I dom. He subs.
House: [smirks] I knew it.
“What? How?” House yelled into the phone.
“She somehow got out of the house. I’m sorry,” Allison said crying.
“Just stay there. I’ll be there in five,” House said jumping up from bed
All: INFARCTION!
and rushing as fast as he could to get his keys and into his car.
He didn’t even realize that he was only wearing his boxers and a tee-shirt.
Cameron: For God’s sake, House! Put on some pants!
Chase: [as random child outside] Mommy, I can see that man’s pee-pee and it’s smaller than mine!
House: Oh, laugh it up, sub boy.
“How is she?” House asked getting out of the car.
Cameron: No information will be forthcoming until the pants are on.
“They say she’s stable but they’re going to take her to the hospital,” Allison said rushing up to House.
“We have to move out now.
Foreman: Charlie is closing in, go, go, GO!!!
Who’s going with her?” Rob asked.
Chase: Damn. Is my retarded doppelganger back?
Foreman: You mean the one who doesn’t break out into “O Canada” in the hospital lobby?
Wilson: This is a tense moment for Chase because Cameron used to date the ambulance driver.
“I am,” House said going over to the ambulance and getting in.
“Let’s go,” Rob hollowered shutting the door behind House.
Foreman: He hollowered? What did he do after that? Intubatered the patient?
Once they got to the hospital Cuddy was waiting for him.
“House I’m sorry but you’re not going to be able to go in while she’s in surgery. You can watch from above if you want though,” Cuddy said.
House: You mean from Heaven?
“Thanks,” House said.
“Welcome,” Cuddy said.
Foreman: God, this dialogue is perfectly in character. Did David Shore write this?
House went back over to Mary to talk to her before they took her into surgery.
House: Hello, spawn that is either part elephant or not mine. Try not to die in surgery. I’m going out for a drink.
“Mary I’ll be watching over you while you’re in there. I love you,” House said leaning down to kiss her.
All: [except House] Awwww!
House: [Rolls eyes]
Mary would have replied but the meds they gave her for pain made her sleepy.
Wilson: Plus she didn’t buy this “love” crap for a second.
After they rolled her into surgery House went to watch while they did it.
Foreman: Does House always watch while people do it?
House: Only if they’re dumb enough to do it in a hospital with glass walls.
Chase and Cameron were already up there.
Chase and Cameron: Ew! Stop watching us!
“I’m soooo sorry House,” Allison said burring her head into House’s chest.
Cameron: Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry!
“It’s not your fault. I don’t get how did she even get out?” House asked putting his arm around Allison.
Cameron: Don’t touch me! You’re still not wearing any pants!
Chase: Stop hugging my girlfriend, please.
Foreman: …ahem.
Chase: Um… my fic girlfriend.
Foreman: That’s right. Just watch it- you’re skating thin ice, Mountie boy.
“I don’t know we had the door locked and she can’t reach the dead bolt,” Chase said.
“Was she sleep walking or something?” House asked.
Chase: I guess she must have been. Sleepwalking explains how she grew tall enough to unlock the door, right?
House: [places head in hands] God, fic!me is such a moron.
“Before you got there she told me the reason that she left was her mommy wanted her,” Cameron said.
Cameron: So the ghost of Stacy led Mary out into the street and let her get hit by a truck?
House: …Wow. I knew she was a bitch, but…
“God this is all my fault,” House said.
Foreman: Exactly!
“No it’s not. She could have done it even if she was at your house,” Cameron said.
“That’s the thing she should have been at my house. I’m her fucking father and I haven’t been acting like it at all,” House said angry with himself.
House: [Cries] I should have never sent her to stay with Cameron and Chase! She should have been at my house, with all of the drugs, alcohol, pornography, and hookers! How could I have sent her into such an environment?
Foreman: Actually, if your choices fall to exposing your child to illicit drugs and sex or letting Chase care for her… I’d choose the drugs. Chase couldn’t care for a houseplant.
Chase: Hey!
Wilson: Don’t you mean ‘eh?’
Chase: Shut up.
“House you just found out a week ago you had a child. No one expected you to catch on at the flick of a dime,” Cameron said.
Foreman: …At the drop of spilt milk.
Cameron: At the turn of a gift horse.
Chase: …At a bird in the cap.
Wilson: …At the edge of a wrench.
House: …At shit happens o’clock.
“If I loose her I don’t want to live.
House: But if I tighten her…
And I won’t live,” House said turning towards the window.
Cameron and Chase decided that they’d just watch the surgery because they could tell House meant what he said.
Cameron: Because if your depressed boss and/or friend starts making suicide threats, it’s generally best to ignore him.
Chase: Especially if he already recently attempted suicide. Talking about it will just make things awkward.
It took them about two hours to do the surgery. Once they got her all patched up
Wilson: They returned House’s Raggedy Anne.
House waited for the doc to come speak with them.
“She’s one lucky little girl.
Foreman: The doctors have declared her patient of the month!
She had four broken ribs, a broken arm, broken leg. Also when the truck hit her she busted her skull open.
House: Yep. A lucky, lucky girl.
Thankfully we were able to repair it. She’ll have to be here for a couple of weeks but she should make a full recovery.
“Thank you,” House said.
“Welcome,” the doctor said leaving then to be in the hallway.
Cameron: Not because he had anywhere to go. He just wanted to be in the hallway.
House: That’s because the hallway is where the hospital holds the annual ‘hot cancer babes wet tee shirt contest.’
.
[We return to the set of Disasterpiece Theatre. Foreman and Chase are sitting in wingback chairs, Foreman in his smoking jacket and Chase in a Mountie hat. ]
Foreman: That’s all the time we have for now. Thanks to our generous audience, we have raised enough money to pay for Chase’s first round of therapy.
Chase: Therapy?
Foreman: …Yes, Chase, therapy. You hit your head and now you think you’re a Mountie. Don’t you remember?
Chase: No! I am a Mountie! See? [sings] O Canada! O Canada! Our home and native land…
Foreman: [Facepalm] Oh, never mind. Let’s just go home and have sex.
Chase: [singing] True patriot… Wait a second. You want to go home and have sex, eh?
Foreman: Definitely [mutters to himself]…if it will shut you up. I can be on top tonight, right?
Chase: Absolutely not. Mounties mount. That’s why they call them Mounties.
Foreman: [rolls eyes] Fine! [turns back to audience] I’m Eric Foreman. Thank you and goodnight. [Foreman and Chase walk off]
[From off screen we hear]
Chase: Oh, and Foreman?
Foreman: Yeah?
Chase: I’m bringing the riding crop.
[Disasterpiece Theatre music plays. Foreman walks out with his pipe and smoking jacket]
Foreman: Good evening, and welcome to Disasterpiece Theatre. Now before we get started this evening, I wanted to take a moment to remind you of the excellent job our audience did in helping us raise money for the hospital. Thanks to your generous donations, children suffering from cancer now have a place to play. But we need your help again. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Dr. Chase [pulls Chase onstage]. You may remember when Wally the Wallaby suffered his tragic fall. Well, Dr. Chase was the man inside the costume, and now he needs your help. Because of an injury to his frontal cortex, Dr. Chase suffers from spells in which he believes himself to be a Canadian Mountie.
Chase: Corporal Chase, reporting for duty, eh? We always get our man!
Foreman: Yes, of course you do. As you can see, ladies and gentlemen, Chase is in dire need of rehabilitation and therapy. If you would like to help Chase, as well as save me from a lifetime of guilty bottom sex with a man who shouts ‘eh!’ at random, please send us your donations. As for our fic this week, we pick up were we left off last time. House had just attempted suicide via Vicodin overdose, and was visited by the ghostly spirit of his ex-girlfriend Stacy. So without further ado, let us begin.
The day that I was suppose to get out of the hospital a social worker came and saw me. She told me that you had left behind a daughter who was about three years old.
House: And seeing as how I was with Stacy five years ago, this alleged daughter is either part elephant or she cannot be mine.
I don’t know why or how but they found me fit to take care of our daughter.
Chase: Social Workers are generally okay with placing three year olds in the care of handicapped, drug-addicted fortysomethings who’ve recently attempted suicide, eh?
Foreman: [sighs, hands Chase a bottle] I think it’s time for you to take your pills, Chase.
Chase: [Swallows pill. A shudder wracks his body] Whoa. Was I just riding a horse through a parade?
It had been two days since the social worker had come to see House. He was just sitting in his office throwing his ball around when the same social worker came in with a little girl.
Wilson: House, put it away! There’s a child in the room!
“Mr. House I’d like you to meet your daughter Mary Elizabeth House,” the social worker said.
Cameron: But she prefers to be called Mary Sue.
Mary was about three feet tall with brown eyes and dirty blond hair.
House: Lending enormous veracity to the claim that she’s my daughter.
Chase: [whistles innocently]
“Hi,” House said getting up.
“I” Mary said.
Foreman: Self centered little brat, isn’t she?
“Mr. House
House: Doctor House!
if you do not feel fit to take care of her then we will be forced to find a home for her,” the social worker said handing the girl’s belongings over to him.
“No I think I can handle her,” House said taking the backpack.
House: I sometimes water my neighbors’ plants when they go on vacation. This is about the same, right?
“Very good. Good day sir,” the social worker said.
Chase: The social worker is Jeeves!
House: …Who?
Cameron: Well, it’s [Wilson covers her mouth] mmmphf!
Wilson: Shh! Don’t tell him! The universe could implode!
“Good day,” House said not looking up from the little girl.
“So you’re my daughter,” House said.
Instead of replying the little girl just stared at House.
Wilson: Sleep with one eye open, House.
Chase: [as Mary]: My mommy’s dead and this is the guy they find to take care of me? I’m three years old and already I’ve discovered the dark cruelty entombed within the human spirit.
House: Hey, maybe she is my daughter!
I thought that I could handle taking care of a little girl. It wasn’t the fact that she’d come wake me up in the middle of the night or the fact that she’d wake up screaming.
House: That problem was quickly solved with the help of a deadbolt and just a bit of duct tape.
I don’t know what it was but after two days I realized that I couldn’t do it anymore. So I asked Cameron and Chase to look after her.
House: I made it two whole days!?
Cameron: I’m impressed.
Wilson: Foreman wins the pool.
Foreman:[smirks]
Two days later while Cameron and Chase were still in the office House got up the nerve to ask them.
“Hey would you two mind keeping her for a couple of days?” House asked.
Cameron: Hey! Don’t dump your spawn on me!
Chase: Wait…we’re together in this?
Foreman: [snorts]
Cameron: Seriously- Chase with a woman?
Chase: But weren’t you dating Rob the ambulance driver earlier?
Cameron: I guess I traded up Robs
House: So to speak.
“Why?” Cameron asked.
“Because I need to get her room ready and I don’t want her to see it,” House said lying through his teeth.
House: I’m thinking of doing the whole room in black… she’s in mourning for her mother, you know.
“Ok sure,” Cameron said without even asking her boyfriend/roommate.
Wilson: Is boyfriend/roommate the same person?
Chase: You didn’t even ask me? How can we trust one another!?
Cameron: THIS RELATIONSHIP IS SMOTHERING ME!
Foreman: [tinyvoice] there’s a missing comma.
The good part for House or what Cameron thought was good was they only lived a couple of blocks from him.
Foreman: But Cameron was wrong. As it turns out, House’s apartment contained a porthole that led into the bowels of Hell. Out from it’s terrible depths, evil spewed in a ten mile radius.
House: I keep it behind the fridge.
“Thanks,” House said.
“Sure,” Cameron said.
“Mary you’re going to stay with these nice people for a couple of days,” House said.
House: Keep an eye on the blond one. If he tries to kiss you, tell daddy.
“Ok,” Mary said.
House did feel bad but he figured that it’d be for the best for her.
Wilson: Nothing like abandoning a child after the sudden death of both parents to promote emotional healing.
But it wasn’t for the best for her. Cameron caught on Sunday that I wasn’t really doing up a room for her.
House: I was just sitting around getting high on the paint fumes.
Two days later on Wednesday night I was sleeping when I heard a screeching of breaks. I didn’t think anything of it.
House: Hookers sometimes make screechy noises when you tie them up and shove them in the closet. I probably figured it was one of them.
I was just about ready to go back to sleep when the phone rang.
“Hello,” House said half asleep.
“House it’s Allison,” Allison said sounding upset.
“What do you want? It’s midnight,” House said looking at the clock by his bed.
“It’s Mary.”
Wilson: Mary quite contrary?
House: [rolls eyes] Gotta love that nineteenth century snark.
“What about her?” House asked sitting up in bed.
“S-Sh-She’s bbbeen hi-hit byy a trucker,” Allison said finally loosing it.
Cameron: [sobs] I- I told her not to approach strange men in redneck bars, but she just didn’t listen!
Foreman: What did you loosen?
Cameron: Chase’s bedpost restraints. I dom. He subs.
House: [smirks] I knew it.
“What? How?” House yelled into the phone.
“She somehow got out of the house. I’m sorry,” Allison said crying.
“Just stay there. I’ll be there in five,” House said jumping up from bed
All: INFARCTION!
and rushing as fast as he could to get his keys and into his car.
He didn’t even realize that he was only wearing his boxers and a tee-shirt.
Cameron: For God’s sake, House! Put on some pants!
Chase: [as random child outside] Mommy, I can see that man’s pee-pee and it’s smaller than mine!
House: Oh, laugh it up, sub boy.
“How is she?” House asked getting out of the car.
Cameron: No information will be forthcoming until the pants are on.
“They say she’s stable but they’re going to take her to the hospital,” Allison said rushing up to House.
“We have to move out now.
Foreman: Charlie is closing in, go, go, GO!!!
Who’s going with her?” Rob asked.
Chase: Damn. Is my retarded doppelganger back?
Foreman: You mean the one who doesn’t break out into “O Canada” in the hospital lobby?
Wilson: This is a tense moment for Chase because Cameron used to date the ambulance driver.
“I am,” House said going over to the ambulance and getting in.
“Let’s go,” Rob hollowered shutting the door behind House.
Foreman: He hollowered? What did he do after that? Intubatered the patient?
Once they got to the hospital Cuddy was waiting for him.
“House I’m sorry but you’re not going to be able to go in while she’s in surgery. You can watch from above if you want though,” Cuddy said.
House: You mean from Heaven?
“Thanks,” House said.
“Welcome,” Cuddy said.
Foreman: God, this dialogue is perfectly in character. Did David Shore write this?
House went back over to Mary to talk to her before they took her into surgery.
House: Hello, spawn that is either part elephant or not mine. Try not to die in surgery. I’m going out for a drink.
“Mary I’ll be watching over you while you’re in there. I love you,” House said leaning down to kiss her.
All: [except House] Awwww!
House: [Rolls eyes]
Mary would have replied but the meds they gave her for pain made her sleepy.
Wilson: Plus she didn’t buy this “love” crap for a second.
After they rolled her into surgery House went to watch while they did it.
Foreman: Does House always watch while people do it?
House: Only if they’re dumb enough to do it in a hospital with glass walls.
Chase and Cameron were already up there.
Chase and Cameron: Ew! Stop watching us!
“I’m soooo sorry House,” Allison said burring her head into House’s chest.
Cameron: Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry!
“It’s not your fault. I don’t get how did she even get out?” House asked putting his arm around Allison.
Cameron: Don’t touch me! You’re still not wearing any pants!
Chase: Stop hugging my girlfriend, please.
Foreman: …ahem.
Chase: Um… my fic girlfriend.
Foreman: That’s right. Just watch it- you’re skating thin ice, Mountie boy.
“I don’t know we had the door locked and she can’t reach the dead bolt,” Chase said.
“Was she sleep walking or something?” House asked.
Chase: I guess she must have been. Sleepwalking explains how she grew tall enough to unlock the door, right?
House: [places head in hands] God, fic!me is such a moron.
“Before you got there she told me the reason that she left was her mommy wanted her,” Cameron said.
Cameron: So the ghost of Stacy led Mary out into the street and let her get hit by a truck?
House: …Wow. I knew she was a bitch, but…
“God this is all my fault,” House said.
Foreman: Exactly!
“No it’s not. She could have done it even if she was at your house,” Cameron said.
“That’s the thing she should have been at my house. I’m her fucking father and I haven’t been acting like it at all,” House said angry with himself.
House: [Cries] I should have never sent her to stay with Cameron and Chase! She should have been at my house, with all of the drugs, alcohol, pornography, and hookers! How could I have sent her into such an environment?
Foreman: Actually, if your choices fall to exposing your child to illicit drugs and sex or letting Chase care for her… I’d choose the drugs. Chase couldn’t care for a houseplant.
Chase: Hey!
Wilson: Don’t you mean ‘eh?’
Chase: Shut up.
“House you just found out a week ago you had a child. No one expected you to catch on at the flick of a dime,” Cameron said.
Foreman: …At the drop of spilt milk.
Cameron: At the turn of a gift horse.
Chase: …At a bird in the cap.
Wilson: …At the edge of a wrench.
House: …At shit happens o’clock.
“If I loose her I don’t want to live.
House: But if I tighten her…
And I won’t live,” House said turning towards the window.
Cameron and Chase decided that they’d just watch the surgery because they could tell House meant what he said.
Cameron: Because if your depressed boss and/or friend starts making suicide threats, it’s generally best to ignore him.
Chase: Especially if he already recently attempted suicide. Talking about it will just make things awkward.
It took them about two hours to do the surgery. Once they got her all patched up
Wilson: They returned House’s Raggedy Anne.
House waited for the doc to come speak with them.
“She’s one lucky little girl.
Foreman: The doctors have declared her patient of the month!
She had four broken ribs, a broken arm, broken leg. Also when the truck hit her she busted her skull open.
House: Yep. A lucky, lucky girl.
Thankfully we were able to repair it. She’ll have to be here for a couple of weeks but she should make a full recovery.
“Thank you,” House said.
“Welcome,” the doctor said leaving then to be in the hallway.
Cameron: Not because he had anywhere to go. He just wanted to be in the hallway.
House: That’s because the hallway is where the hospital holds the annual ‘hot cancer babes wet tee shirt contest.’
.
[We return to the set of Disasterpiece Theatre. Foreman and Chase are sitting in wingback chairs, Foreman in his smoking jacket and Chase in a Mountie hat. ]
Foreman: That’s all the time we have for now. Thanks to our generous audience, we have raised enough money to pay for Chase’s first round of therapy.
Chase: Therapy?
Foreman: …Yes, Chase, therapy. You hit your head and now you think you’re a Mountie. Don’t you remember?
Chase: No! I am a Mountie! See? [sings] O Canada! O Canada! Our home and native land…
Foreman: [Facepalm] Oh, never mind. Let’s just go home and have sex.
Chase: [singing] True patriot… Wait a second. You want to go home and have sex, eh?
Foreman: Definitely [mutters to himself]…if it will shut you up. I can be on top tonight, right?
Chase: Absolutely not. Mounties mount. That’s why they call them Mounties.
Foreman: [rolls eyes] Fine! [turns back to audience] I’m Eric Foreman. Thank you and goodnight. [Foreman and Chase walk off]
[From off screen we hear]
Chase: Oh, and Foreman?
Foreman: Yeah?
Chase: I’m bringing the riding crop.
no subject
My favorite part?
Foreman: …At the drop of spilt milk.
Cameron: At the turn of a gift horse.
Chase: …At a bird in the cap.
Wilson: …At the edge of a wrench.
House: …At shit happens o’clock.
no subject
Thanks for reading.
no subject
But this actually made me snort Aquafina up my nose:
House: Keep an eye on the blond one. If he tries to kiss you, tell daddy.
And the social worker sounding like Jeeves - what a scary mental image, Jeeves appearing in such a horrible fic.
no subject
Thanks for reading.
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This is *everything* I could want in an MST: the story itself ridiculous and OOC, while the MST has too many brilliant zingers to quote and a hilarious over-arching "plot" (Disasterpiece Theatre and Constable Chase).
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Thanks a ton for reading.
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Thanks a bunch and I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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You are absolutely hilarious as usual. This line needs its own bumper sticker. It should be added to the Miranda Rights.
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Thanks for reading, as always.
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Heh. That sounds EXACTLY like something House would say.
Foreman: But Cameron was wrong. As it turns out, House’s apartment contained a porthole that led into the bowels of Hell. Out from it’s terrible depths, evil spewed in a ten mile radius.
House: I keep it behind the fridge.
That's probably where the funny smell is coming from...
House: Hello, spawn that is either part elephant or not mine. Try not to die in surgery. I’m going out for a drink.
LOL!! Perfect.
Cameron: So the ghost of Stacy led Mary out into the street and let her get hit by a truck?
House: …Wow. I knew she was a bitch, but…
Heh. There are no limits to the depths Stacy will sink.
Cameron: Because if your depressed boss and/or friend starts making suicide threats, it’s generally best to ignore him.
Chase: Especially if he already recently attempted suicide. Talking about it will just make things awkward.
Seriously. And who needs awkward-ness? That would just be...awkward.
I *loved* Chase as a mountie. I think he would look good in the uniform. :-D
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Much love for the V icon.
Thank you for reading.
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*cough*...Nonetheless, a great MST on an absolutely dreadful story =)
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Thanks for reading.
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Heh. Is it wrong that I'd love to see that in a fic. Yeah, I guess it is. Never mind.
Great MST! I love Disasterpiece Theater so much.
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Thanks for reading. Your icon is darling.
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Okay, this ^ plus your cut-line: made me cry. Not because I know a toddler who got hit by a truck or that vehicular accidents aren't really serious, but because it's funny as fuck. And it shouldn't be. I am so going to hell just for laughing at that.
Okay, now I'm going to go read your MST. Carry on.
Okay, now that I've
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Thanks for reading.
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too good
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Cameron: But she prefers to be called Mary Sue.
Isn't *that* the truth! LOL
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Thanks for reading.
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Chase: Absolutely not. Mounties mount. That’s why they call them Mounties.
Hahaha- I reckon he's faking it!
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Hmm...could be. Thanks for reading.
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I made the cat so cross by laughing aloud that he has stalked off to cause mischief somewhere else. :D
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Foreman: God, this dialogue is perfectly in character. Did David Shore write this?
Ah, Foreman's funny when he can tear himself away from the grammar. Lovely MST :)
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I'm going to have the image of Chase the Mountie stuck in my head for the rest of the day and people are going to keep asking me why I'm just giggling at random.
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You win with every line.
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*snicker*
"Wilson: Mary quite contrary?
House: [rolls eyes] Gotta love that nineteenth century snark."
*giggle*
Children fics hurt my soul.