Star Trek Fic -" If You Go Down to the Woods Today..."

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Title: If You Go Down to the Woods Today...
Authors: skyblue_reverie and ennui_blue_lite
Beta: rivers_bend and wemblee
Fandom & Pairing: Star Trek Reboot (aka AOS, ST XI, etc.), Kirk/McCoy
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Kinda cracky.
Word Count: 1000
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to anything whatsoever is purely coincidental. Written by me and my honey Skyblue for the Team Jones First Date prompt.




"Oh, Jim. I've been waiting for you."

"Bones?" Jim emerged from between two trees. He blinked. He stepped back into the forest, and then stepped out again. Yup, still there.

In the middle of a clearing, unfurling a red-and-white checked blanket next to a wicker basket, was Bones. Seeing Bones at all was strange enough, as Jim had just left Bones' side twenty minutes before, after a heated debate regarding the merits of a starship captain charting an unknown forest. Jim had ended it with a strategic "I'm in charge," and Bones had steadfastly refused to go in after him "when he got himself eaten by some marauding local beast." So, no, Jim wasn't expecting to see Bones here.

He especially wasn't expecting to see Bones setting up a picnic, when he was supposed to be gathering biosamples for analysis.

"I've got a great spread here for us, Jim. Come sit down and eat something."

"Bones? What about the samples?"

Bones waved this off. "Later. Jim, you work too hard. You need to relax, let someone take care of you. Take a load off."

This was a bit surreal, but Jim wasn't going to look this particular gift horse in the mouth. Oh, man, it looked like Bones had brought all of his favorites. He sat and dove in. Bones moved around behind him and before he could wonder what he was up to, there were two strong hands digging into the tense muscles of his shoulders. Ohhhh, that felt incredible.

Then Bones' husky voice was murmuring in his ear. "Jim, I've wanted to do this for so long. To touch you as something more than your doctor, more than your friend. I think you want it too. Am I misreading things?"

"N..no," Jim got out through a mouthful of blueberry pie. "But Bones, what - "

"Shhhhh," Bones soothed. "Just let me do this. God, Jim, you're amazing. You take care of all of us, keep us safe, run all the risks. Do you know how much I admire you?"

Jim was rapidly losing his train of thought, and even more rapidly losing interest in his pie, which was kind of a shame because it was the best blueberry pie he'd ever tasted. Still, pie or Bones? No contest. He turned around.

Bones' hands slipped down to his waist, warm and comforting. Bones was gazing at him with open adoration, and oh god, Jim was finally going to get what he'd wanted for so long. Bones' face lowered toward his, and Jim's eyes drifted shut. He might've let out a whimper as Bones' soft, full lips finally touched his. It was even better than he'd dreamed it would be.

Then there was an almighty crash as something came bursting out of the forest. Jim immediately went into Brave Captain Mode, jumping up and keeping Bones behind him, safely protected from the threat of... himself?

There was another Bones, looking wild-eyed and harassed. "Jim?"

Jim was very, very confused. He made a mental note to have Spock scan the planet for any airborne hallucinogens. He then made a more urgent mental note to have Spock scan the planet for any shapeshifting beings. He turned and looked behind him, where Bones was hiding behind the bulwark of Jim's body, gazing at him with loving admiration. Then he looked in front of him, where Bones was crossing his arms and looking incredibly annoyed. At least it wouldn’t be difficult to tell them apart.

"Jim, why in god's name are you having a picnic? Are you using an away mission to have a date?"

"It was your idea!" Jim accused.

Irritated-Bones looked flummoxed. Admiring-Bones peeked out from behind Jim, and Irritated-Bones' eyes widened.

"What the HELL is going on?" he bellowed.

Then there was another crash, and a second Jim appeared from out of the forest. Jim did a double-take. He... the other him.... was wearing a black satin G-string and a studded leather collar. And nothing else. And he was carrying a little silver cup.

"Bones! There you are!" said the other Jim. "I brought your mint julep, honey-bun. Made just the way you like it."

A sudden hush fell as the four took in the scene. For a moment, Jim was sure Bones was going to run for it. A deep blush colored his cheeks, and he looked around as if searching for the best escape route.

"Fantasies, Jim," Bones said finally, after one of the longest awkward silences Jim had ever experienced. "Somehow, the planet reads our minds, and delivers us our deepest fantasy."

Jim glanced back at Not-Bones, who was looking at Jim as if he were the second coming. Then he looked at Not-Jim, clad in only a few scraps of satin and leather.

Jim looked at Bones hopefully, sweeping a meaningful glance across all of them. Bones glared murderously. Hey, the other him was pretty hot, and two Boneses at once? Couldn't blame him for trying. Jim sighed. "Bones," Jim said to the one gazing at him from the picnic blanket. "This other Jim will protect you." Not-Bones agreeably got up and moved over to Not-Jim.

"And you, other Jim, you can give your mint julep to this Bones," Jim said, indicating Not-Bones. Real-Bones snorted, grabbed the mint julep, and tossed it back. "...or not," said Jim.

Still, Not-Bones and Not-Jim seemed to be hitting it off just fine.

"You take such wonderful care of your crew, Jim. Truly, you are the greatest captain Starfleet has ever known."

"You know I do it all for you. Can I make you a mint julep, love-muffin?"

"This is getting a little nauseating," Jim said.

"Couldn't agree more. Go on, you two. Shoo!"

"So," Jim said, looking at a now-very-interesting rock next to his foot. "I guess we should talk about - "

"You know what, Jim?" Bones cut him off, drawing them both down onto the blanket. "Let's just skip the talking."

Sounded like an excellent plan to Jim.