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Title: Blue
Author: [livejournal.com profile] ennui_blue_lite
Fandom: Nu!Trek
Summary: Jim’s penis is blue. Bones is not [particularly] amused.
Rating: T for a sexual discussion
Word Count: 647
A/N: As always, a thousand words of thanks to my lovely beta and friend, [livejournal.com profile] skyblue_reverie, who indulges my ridiculous fic and keeps asking for more.




"It's blue."

Bones peered up at Jim from where he was crouched in front of the exam table. Even from the strange angle, Jim could easily read the irritation on his face. "Impressive deduction skills, Jim, but as a doctor trained in assessment, I had already noticed the minor detail that is your bright blue penis."

"Why is it blue?" Jim asked, and if his voice held a hint of panic, he felt it was justified.

"Good question." Now Bones' upward stare held accusation, and Jim raised his hands.

"No, no, time out. I swear I did not sleep with ANYONE," he swore. "Besides you."

Bones snorted. "I believe you, especially since very few alien races have genitals which secrete blue dye." He paused. "At least, very few races which are also sexually compatible with humans. Which leads me to my next three questions – where did you buy it, how much did you pay for it, and are you really that big of a moron?"

"What are you talking about? Where did I buy what?"

"Where did you buy the cheap sex toy that left blue dye all over your dick and gave you one of the worst rashes I've seen in years? Honestly, Jim, are you allergic to every substance in the known universe? Did your parents have to raise you in a sterile field or something?"

Bones bit his lip as soon as he said it, and Jim did his best to pretend not to notice. "It looked like a reputable shop to me."

"A shop called…" Bones said, once he managed to pull his foot from his mouth.

"Candi's Toy Box?" Jim said weakly. "She was having a sale on, um, personal pleasure tubes."

"Jim, are you –"

"I was thinking of you the whole time?" Jim offered. "Really. I wrote your name down the side of the tube in marker."

"No, I'm not - you...really?"

"Absolutely. I totally did."

Bones' expression went a bit perplexed, as if he'd bitten into a pear and found that it tasted like a potato. "I'm not sure if that's supposed to be sweet or disturbing."

"I didn't want you to get jealous."

"Jim, your masturbatory habits are hardly the point here - no matter how weird or emotionally scarring I might find them. The point is that your friend Candi is selling toys which are in violation of the health code, meaning that they're probably homemade, meaning that I need to contact her so that I can treat my idiot boyfriend who would actually stick his dick in something he bought for three credits from a woman named Candi."

"So...you can make the blue go away?"

Bones rummaged around in a drawer and came up with a small tube. "The blue dye should fade in a day or two. Apply this hydrocortisone cream for the rash. Try not to have too much fun; it's not a lube."

"Oh, don't worry, I don't have to apply it," Jim said casually. "I have a doctor around who does those things for me."

"Guess again," Bones said. "No sex for three days."

"Aw, Bones!" Jim whined.

"No sex," Bones repeated. "And no, writing my name down someone else's side does not make them me, so don't try to get around it."

Jim huffed. "I wouldn't do that."

Bones kissed him, a quick peck on the lips. "I know. I was kidding. Look, Jim, if you're interested in toys, for yourself or the both of us, I know a few places. Maybe next time we're on shore leave, we could drop in?"

"Good places?" Jim asked.

"They've never turned me blue."

Jim scanned his memory, searching for any good deed he might have done to deserve Bones. He couldn't think of one, but he pressed his lips to Bones' anyway and mentally thanked every star in the universe. "It's a date."

Sequel HERE
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